Tragic faces of death

This Halloween feature is triggered by Jeje Caintic, my niece now based at Italy when she shared the meaning of the occasion.

Pamilya gimasaker sa amahan was the October 17, 2011 headline of Sun.Star Super Balita.  I paid a total of two thousand seven hundred pesos for obstruction of traffic and towing.  I am not used to buy newspaper but that Monday morning intrigued me with what I heard about a parricide and suicide in Talisay City, Cebu of the Ponce family.  I was driving our ISUZU Elf loaded with 2 cu. m. of gravel when I bought the newspaper.  The truck engine stopped and did not start allowing the Mandaue City's towing business make money as quick as lightning inconsiderate of the less than a kilometer towing.  Those incidents were horrifying! Two (2) years earlier, I have documented the following tragic faces of death:

The incident that happened after our breakfast fellowship at San Narciso Parish Pastoral Center in Consolacion, Cebu last October 24, 2009 reminded me of several ways how physical life is terminated.  A relatively old man committed suicide by nose-diving from the skywalk near the venue like he was plunging into a swimming pool.  It was an awful and pitiful sight for all of us in the Community who saw his fresh and bubbling blood oozing from his nose and mouth with his face flat on the cemented road.  His shoulders jerked for a few moments for his last breath.  In the afternoon, the intercessory group prayed for his eternal rest and for his family’s relief from their grief.

That tragedy brought me to vividly fearful flashbacks.  When I was still a kid at 8 years old, I spent sleepless nights being haunted with the imagery of the bloated boy floating nearby.  In Mantahan, Maasin, So. Leyte, we were living near the seashore and during high tide, sea water was under our rented house.  The poor boy drowned a day before while together with his elder brother, they were fishing with the hook and line.  I saw that freak accident.  He was caught by a huge wave and was not found that fateful afternoon.

I was a witness to a revengeful murder when I was still in College.  I was among the crowd of onlookers standing around the basketball court where the benefit dance of our barrio was held in Kilim, Baybay, Leyte.  A neighbor who was a ‘dirty’ basketball player was stabbed to death.  It was very frightening and terrifying because he was only an arm away in front of me.  His basketball opponent that afternoon who was the murderer ran from the other side of the road towards his victim thrusting the 2 feet long and sharp bolo.  It is still fresh in my mind how the pointed tip of the murder weapon stroke his back piercing through his abdomen.  It sounded like the bolo forcefully penetrated into a soft banana trunk.  Tsakk!!  It happened at about midnight right after the music ended and everyone dancing was seated.  Dramatically, the victim was able to walk toward the center of the dance ground with the weapon stuck in his body until he collapsed to his death.  I trembled with the afterthought, “What if I was a mistaken target?” I could have been classified “being in the wrong place at the wrong time”.  I was so horrified that we kept discussing about it until morning without sleep.

One early bright morning on our way to a field trip to visit an “integrated farm” in Tacloban City to enrich the theoretical and classroom instruction of my students (Dept. of Horticulture, ViSCA, Baybay, Leyte), we were shocked to see an able bodied and robust man on top of his pedal operated cab newly killed. Our school bus was the first to arrive at the ”scene of the crime” (SOC).  Everyone of us in the bus had a strategic view of the man heinously gunned down point-blank at the head.  There was no blood but a clear sticky fluid with his saliva dripped from his mouth like a slaughtered pig.  Later, we learned that the casualty was a rebel returnee salvaged by his “comrade in arms”.    

The foregoing tragic faces of death are contrasted with the peaceful death of my mother-in-law (1996), my father-in-law (1999) and my own mother (2007).  Accordingly, “death can be seen as birth”.  “At the end of the birth canal, it seems fierce, portentous and full of pain.  Similarly, death is a scary tunnel and we are being sucked toward it by a powerful force” (Philip Yancey, Where Is God When It Hurts?).

To a man who has not lived nor died, it is declared: “There was a very cautious man, who never laughed nor played.  He never risked, he never tired, he never sang or prayed.  And when one day he passed away, his insurance was denied.  For since he never really lived, they claimed he never died.” nmg 

Important but not Urgent

Note: Due to the sudden death of a very dear brother in the BCBP Consolacion Chapter, I recall and I am posting what I have written 5 years ago about death.


During our January 2006 Worship Assembly, I declared that one simple but important thing I asked God for this year is to be ready to meet Him when death comes.  Inspired by the perfectly attended and grace-filled “Mesa del Gallo 2005” with our only son, I resolved to actively participate in the early morning (5:30 am) Holy Mass daily for my own spiritual preparation and my loved ones especially my parents who are now in the “departure area”.

The underlying circumstances of world, national, community and personal events in life are horrifying.  We learn from the UNICEF data that the number one cause of death among 1 – 18 years old children and adolescents is vehicular accidents.  The ABS-CBN stampede claimed over 70 lives (Feb. 4, 2006).  Jake, the only son among the 4 children of Kuya Maning and Ate Miriam Conejos is in the ICU (as of this writing) because of a reckless driver (Jan. 27, 2006).  As committed and united BCBP Community, let us empathize with the family and pray for Jake’s complete healing and fast recovery.  With expectant faith, we praise and thank the Greatest Healer for restoring him back to his normal, active young life.

What personally shocked me is the delayed news about the instantaneous death of Kuya Totoy when the car he was driving was pressed, squeezed and flattened against two (2) large buses.  I only learned about it during the weekend with Fr. Herb Schnieder, SJ through the chapter head couple of BCBP Calbayog City who attended the teaching sessions (Feb. 3-4, 2006).

Consider this a tribute to a highly regarded brother who is now with our Creator.  Engr. Manuel “Totoy” and Ate Marietta Espiña are both professors of the Tiburcio Tancinco Institute of Science and Technology (TTMIST).  They were our generous hosts when Judy and I were invited to share in the BCBP Breakfast Fellowship years ago in Calbayog City.  We met again during the 24^th BCBP National Anniversary in Dipolog City on April 2004.  I am sad realizing that it turned out to be our last encounter.  That final meeting was filled with active interaction, enlightenment and consolation.  I openly made known to him my guilt feelings when I failed to prevent the suicide of Kepner, a young BCBP brother under our unit.  That timely and opportune morning until noon dialogue from Dumaguete wharf to Dapitan was uplifting because I was talking with a true and faithful messenger of God.  He unburdened me when he related and vividly recalled how he attempted to kill himself when he was only 21 years old. I opt to keep the details of his story between ourselves.  However, I wish to express my sincere admiration for his openness (although he was hesitant at first), his courage and his noble accomplishment of a holy mission that was to be reconciled with his father and mother before his parents eventually died.  The healing of relationship happened when the couple joined the BCBP.  To Ate Marietta, I offer a special prayer for spiritual strength and endurance being untimely left by Kuya Totoy childless.

Why the unexpected and tragic death?  Instead of questioning God, let us pray with humility the following personal prayer (Fr. Orbos, SVD. Inquirer Moments. Cycle B. p.8):

“Lord, when my time comes, do not call me by sudden death; not by accident that tears the body apart; not by illness that leaves my mind confused or senses impaired; not by the mercy of evil forces; not with a heart filled with hate or body racked with pain; not abandoned, lonely, without love and care; not with my own hands in moments of despair.  Jesus, let death come to me as a gentle friend to sit and linger till You call my name. Amen.”

Let us reflect and take into account a happy death to live life to the full.  The weekend teaching about the 5 moments of truth in “interpersonal relationships” by our BCBP National Director taught and guided me to seriously deal with our mortality.  How do we like to be remembered by our family, relatives and friends when we are gone?

This is an important matter but not urgent.  However, let us “do something about it” now! nmg

An added note: “In our death-denying and youth-worshipping culture, we go to great lengths to avoid facing even the smallest reminders of death.” (Peck, M.S. 1997. The Road Less Traveled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in the Age of Anxiety. Simon & Schuster. p. 86).

    

Remembering my mother

On the occasion of Mother’s Day (May 9, 2011), I remember my mother who died 4 years ago.  Along with the lessons of life and living from the true story by Mitch Albom, “Tuesdays with Morrie”, I recall the past, its relevance to the present in order to have a glimpse of the future.

“Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.” Acceptance of who I am, what I can do and cannot do is my faithful recognition of God’s wisdom in my life.  To my dying Nanay, I have been praying and offering my daily Masses for the grace of forgiveness and reconciliation.  She has been lying in bed since February 2007.

My parents may have lots of misgivings and resentments against me because I failed to break their bondage from poverty.  I can only ask God for our emotional healing.  The Lord only knows when and how.

“Accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it.” I have many happy and bitter memories with my parents and siblings.  The hardships, sufferings and sacrifices I experienced became opportunities to work hard in order to earn an academic degree.  The most fulfilling achievement happened when I was appointed assistant instructor effective April 1, 1976 to teach during summer that same year.  I was thrilled to handle a class that included some of my classmates who failed to graduate with me a week earlier.

My first salary for April and May was received with excitement.  I joyfully handed the whole amount to my mother.  Unfortunately, she did not say anything nor showed appreciation.   When I remitted to her my full salary for June, my heart bled when she commented, “Mao na lang ni?” I was dumbstruck and failed to explain.  I was wounded by their ingratitude.  It was the beginning of a change of my attitude towards them.  As the eldest, I committed myself to help and assist my siblings with their studies.  I supported my parents with their financial needs but they were discontented.  I missed their understanding and cooperation.  From being selfless, I became selfish.

After three (3) years of wandering, I decided to wean off and be detached from them.  I opted to have a family of my own.  Accordingly, “the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, to learn to love and bond in the deepest way is to have your own children”.   Indeed, Judy and I are blessed with two (2) grown-up and responsible daughters who are professionals in their chosen career and an only son who is still in the elementary.  With them, I nurture my past and remind myself that “the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and let it come in”.  “To be fully human means connectedness with society.”  Basically, it starts with my own family then to the community surrounding me like the BCBP.

“Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others.” This is a lesson we learn and relearn daily as we pray, “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”.  One of the realizations I have in our many BCBP teaching especially during the marriage retreat is that my love ones who are dearest to me were hurting me most and vice versa.  I resolved to forgive them and myself.  I pray that they forgive me as well.

“Don’t assume that it’s too late to get involved.” Nothing is too late to renew and heal broken relationships.  It is a matter of personal determination and God’s grace that we attain harmony and peace.  According to Pope Benedict XVI, “True peace is a harmonious coexistence of individuals governed by justice, where there is productive and sincere relationship following the path of forgiveness and reconciliation, being transparent in their dealing and faithful to their word.”

Human as I am being austerely practical, I planned and decided to simply send cash for the burial of my mother and other related expenses.  However, it was not so.  God provided me the opportunity to personally see her die peacefully reconciled with His divine will.  Arriving late in the evening, I found her deeply asleep with normal breathing.  I thought speaking with her in the morning was better than waking her up.  Lightly touching her skin and bony right arm, I mentally assured her that “I am around” during her dying moment.  She passed away at 3:00 a.m. on May 11, 2007.  Her death was my extraordinary gift from the Lord.  I praise and thank Him for answering my prayer lifted up for over a year.

During the second novena night, my brother knights (K of C Council 7507) with their respective wives (CFC) offered a prayer service to my amazement.  Knowing that it coincided with my 52^nd birthday, they readily sung joyful and lively birthday songs that I heard for the first time in my life.  I was deeply touched.  Indeed, “Blessed are they who mourn for they will be comforted” (Mt 5:4).   

One overnight vigil was spent luxuriantly with my dear cousin.  She is an elementary school teacher whose husband is a retired policeman.  We enthusiastically exchanged experiences and stories with the Lord keeping us surprisingly awake.  As active members of Couples for Christ (CFC), the most appropriate talk they use to comfortably deliver every time there is a Christian Life Program (CLP) in their locality is “Repentance and Faith”.

I was awestruck by our brothers and sisters (BCBP Baybay Chapter) who likewise rendered prayer service the night before burial.  Filled with astonishment, I admire, appreciate and acknowledge the initiative of the Mission Director, Music Ministry Head along with some active members headed by no less than their faithful Chapter Head.  Their exemplary deed is worth emulating.

Equally amazing was the physical presence of our empathic brothers and sisters from BCBP Consolacion Chapter.  They sailed the extra nautical miles to cross Camotes Sea to celebrate with us the Funeral Mass, a celebration of life, faith and love.

Inscribed in my mind are the generous donors who helped us with the finances.  I acknowledge with grateful heart everyone who united with us in “learning how to live by learning how to  die”.

The date of burial unexpectedly coincided with the second day of the grand reunion and alumni homecoming in my Alma Mater, my first and only prestigious employer.  Truly, death in the family reunites relatives and friends whom we missed for a long time.  To some extent, healing of relationships was attained.  In my mother’s tombstone is written the epitaph, “Death ends your life, not our relationship.”

In behalf of my family who is filled with gratitude, I say, “Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift" (2 Cor 9:15). nmg